Suggesting a Better Tomorrow: Putting Your Friends First
If someone comes knocking on your door for help, don’t shut it as if you’re too busy, nor open it just to hurry them in and out. Pause for a moment. When people come to us for advice, they're trusting us with their hopes, fears, and struggles. They trust us with a small piece of their journey. Our words carry weight, so taking a moment to reflect on how our advice might impact them can be the first step in offering genuine support. I believe true support is about putting their needs before our own wants, assumptions, and dreams.
Part 1: When Advice Comes from Ego
There was a friend of mine who once came to me seeking advice on getting into a relationship. I was already in one, and I wanted them to experience the same connection I felt, so I encouraged them to go for it. But looking back, I realized I might have wanted it more for my own reasons than for theirs - maybe I didn’t want them to feel alone, or maybe I wanted the thrill of us both being on the same journey. Sadly, things didn’t work out for them, and they ended up hurt. I felt responsible. It hit me hard because I realized my advice wasn’t based on what was best for them, but rather shaped by my own desires. It was all about "I, I, and I." I hadn’t thought enough about their journey. I just didn’t want them to feel alone.
It took time for me to realize that when giving advice, it’s so easy to let our own desires slip in. I wanted to share my happiness, but I hadn’t truly considered whether it was right for them. Now, I try to think more about what my friends actually need, even if it means stepping back and seeing things from their perspective. It’s not about me, it’s about them.
Part 2: Avoiding Projection
There’s another friend of mine whom I often encouraged to try something I’d failed to achieve. Whether it was in education, career, or something else, I wanted them to succeed where I hadn’t. It felt good imagining them succeeding in a way I couldn’t. But when they resisted, I felt let down, even frustrated, like they couldn’t see the potential in what I was suggesting. In those moments, I thought my advice was genuinely good, but I hadn’t asked myself if it was the right fit for them. Just because something meant a lot to me didn’t mean it was the right choice for them.
What I didn’t realize then was that my encouragement was often more about me and less about them. Their hesitation made me realize my advice wasn’t always aligned with their own path. Their dreams, preferences, and fears are theirs alone, and it’s not my place to mold them to reflect my own ambitions. I had to accept that their journey wasn’t mine to control. I do now!
A Lesson in True Friendship
When we give advice, it’s essential to set aside our own emotions and desires. Rather than seeing friends as mirrors of our own aspirations, let’s see them as individuals with unique paths.
In everyday conversations, there are small but impactful ways we might unknowingly nudge friends toward choices that aren’t necessarily best for them:
- Career Advice: Encouraging someone to pursue a role just because it worked for us, without considering their own strengths and goals.
- Lifestyle Choices: Suggesting they take up an interest we have, like fitness routines or diets, assuming it will work for them as it did for us.
- Personal Decisions: Urging friends to act on impulse or avoid things we’ve struggled with, without seeing the situation through their eyes.
Instead of pushing them to follow what’s worked (or not worked) for us, we can support them in discovering what aligns with who they are. I have come to an understanding that True guidance isn’t about what would make us happy to see them do, but about what will bring happiness and growth to their lives.
Final Note
So, the next time a friend seeks your advice, take a breath. Set aside your own feelings and really listen. Consider asking yourself, “Am I suggesting this for them, or for me?” After all, isn't true friendship about guiding each other in a way that respects the individual journeys?
Have you ever given advice you later regretted? How did you approach the situation after that?
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ReplyDeleteWell presented👏🏼
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